Processing It All

Well it's been a week since I've been discharged from the hospital and I'm feeling SO much better! It sure was a hard week filled with ups and downs but I feel like I'm finally done with the setbacks and able to just continue forward. My strength has gotten better, I no longer have to be dropped off at the front of the hospital I can walk all the way in from the parking lot without getting exhausted! I can do more around the house for myself instead of asking everyone else to get things for me all the time. It feels so good to finally be on this side of everything that happened. This past week I've had a lot of time to just sit and process what has happened and I think it scares me more now that I look back and think about the "what ifs." I very well could've not made it out at all or with very little function in organs but I'm almost fully recovered (at least from the H.E.L.L.P. syndrome) and am able to live my life. I guess I can't really even put into words what I'm feeling right now, basically completely in awe of God right now. We saw first hand how perfect His timing is in EVERYTHING. How Lincoln truly is a miracle. Everything he is doing now he really shouldn't be able to do. Breathing for example, the fact the he was only on oxygen for a little while after he was born and never has been since is only because of God. Lincoln's lungs shouldn't have been this developed but he's breathing away all on his own with no apparent problems! He is growing so well and putting on weight like crazy! A lot of times babies lose a lot of weight after they are born but he barely lost any and already is over 4 lbs 2 oz! We have so much to be thankful for. Sitting in church Sunday (the first time in over 9 weeks!) during worship it was all I could do to just sit there and be in awe of God and all He has done for us.

I have learned so much through this whole experience. Mainly about patience and trust. I was put in a situation where there was nothing I could do but wait. I waited for 7 1/2 long weeks in a hospital room knowing that in the end it would all be worth it and it is! I would do it again in a heartbeat because of the amazing gift that Lincoln is. I learned a great deal of patience during that time. Patience is always something that I've struggled with. I've always found myself discontent with the season of life that I'm in. Yes I was happy and love my life but I was always so so ready to begin the next step without taking the time to see what God wanted me to do with where I was at. Being in the hospital really taught be to use each and every situation that is given to me. Not to let any of them go to waste. The other day the Neonatologist was talking to me and telling me that we just have to wait for Lincoln to learn to eat and he said it takes a great deal of patience on the parents part at this point. I was actually able to tell him that I am patient and can wait as long as it takes for Lincoln to eat. I've waited 2 months for this little man, I can wait a few more weeks! :)

Trust was another thing that was thrown on my plate and we just had to trust that God had us and Lincoln in His hands this whole time. There was nothing that the doctors could do to stop me from leaking the amniotic fluid, there was nothing I could do, it was all God. Trusting that He truly had everything under control and that this wasn't something that surprised him like it did us. He knew the outcome and what we would have to go through to get there but must've known that somehow we would be able to do it. And now as I think about bringing Lincoln home soon I start to worry about the "what ifs." What if he won't eat, what if he stops breathing, what if he needs something that I can't give him....what if, what if, what if. I just have to stop that way of thinking and remind myself of what we just went through. I can't let myself get sucked into worrying, all I need to do is trust.