Keeping my eyes above the waves, holding a baby that belongs to Him and not me...

It's Sunday morning and we had a sick 5 year old last night so he, baby M and I are all taking it easy at home, vegging out on the couch while Tyler took the other two with him to church.  So I have an unexpected free morning and thought I'd write out how I've been feeling about our foster care journey lately.  

When we started the adoption/foster care journey our prayer was "Spirit lead us where our trust is without borders, let us walk upon the waters, where ever you call us."

We brought baby M home from the NICU when he was 12 days old.  We are the only family he's known.  He has molded seamlessly into our family and I can't picture our lives without him.  But soon that might be the case.  He has a distant relative that has expressed interest in raising him.  Her home study starts this coming Friday.  If she passes, it will move fairly quickly.  But I'm not convinced that she is capable of caring for him or really the best fit for him.  I'm very supportive of reuniting with family when possible but in this case I just can't get fully on board.  

But as hard as this whole situation is, I am so thankful that I can't control any of it.  

Wait, is that a typo?  Did she really just say that she's glad she can't control where baby M ends up?  

It's not a typo.  I'm so thankful that it's not up to me to decide where his future will be.  I have come to realize that I "like" the situations that God has put us in, where we have zero control.  Why?  Because it FORCES me to trust.  If I had control over the situation I wouldn't need to rely on God, because I would THINK I know the best answer and rely on my own opinion on it.  But because I can't see the future, I can't see or know for sure what this relative is like and capable of.  She might be the best thing for him and I just can't see it right now.  But God knows.  His sovereign hand will be the guide.  He's guiding the home study assessor and has the power to interfere and make sure baby M doesn't go with this relative IF this is a bad placement for him.  OR he will allow her to pass and give her legal custody of baby M.  God has never failed and He won't start now.  In both cases I have full trust that God's hands are all over this and my soul rests in His embrace.  

But I'm broken.  My heart is shredded every morning by that adorable giggle when I sing a good morning song to him.  He's leading me out into the deep waters where without him, we would drown.  He's knocking down the borders of my trust.  Stretching us to trust him more and more. 

So I will call upon Your name.  I'm praying over this sweet life.  That God's will would be done.  My eyes are locked on Jesus and not the waves that are growing higher and higher.  I'm trusting Him to walk us through these scary waves, while holding a baby that belongs to Him and not me.  Jesus' love for baby M is infinitely more than I could even imagine, so my fear is replaced with Trust.  

I had been thinking about trusting God fully in our circumstances and I was driving (to pick up chick-fil-a for supper!) by myself last night and when this song came on I realized just how perfect it explained what I was feeling and thinking about M's situation.  I highlighted the lyrics above where they were applicable but read the whole song here:

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

Hillsong United

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior.

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

something so big...

It's no secret that our hearts have been/are for adoption.  God has clearly called us to adoption as our part of caring for orphans.  To give at least one child a loving home and family.  We said "yes" to adopting Baby J two years ago and unfortunately God's plan wasn't for him to be apart of our family.  We were open to it then and we still are now.  This time we are going in a little different direction and pursuing an international adoption.  There are so many factors when considering which country (international or domestic) and then going through each countries requirements list. There were so many that we didn't qualify for. Apparently in the adoption sphere we are "young."  A lot of countries want both of us to be 30 as one of their requirements.  There was one night particularly where I just shut my computer and the tears started flowing.  I was so discouraged because there was always SOMETHING about a country's requirements that we didn't fit.  Why do they make it so difficult to adopt?  God here we are......willing to adopt a little one and you are shutting every. single. door.  Why????  I was so frustrated.

But then I realized that God wasn't going to shut the door to every.single.country.  He was shutting doors to lead us to our child.  We are still prayerfully considering a couple countries that we qualify for and are praying for direction on the right decision.  Would you join in praying with us?  Praying for our child out there?  I have no idea where he/she may be, what she is doing right now, if he is even born yet.  But please pray for us as we find our way to him/her.

So this is where we are right now.  Still in the deciding process of choosing an agency and country.  and beginning to raise money.  Adoption is expensive, to put it plainly :)  We are looking at having to come up with $25,000-$30,000.  Gulp.  Yep that is a huge number.  HUGE.  It's a big obstacle but I can't wait to see how God provides.  I could get all worked up and worried about this daunting task but I know that God's heart is for the orphan.  So like my friend Julie said in one of her blog posts during their adoption, "You should be involved in something so big that if God doesn't show up, you're toast."  They had heard a missionary say that when speaking at their church and she pointed out how that is just how adoption is.  We are now apart of something so big that if God doesn't show up, we're toast.  Our adoption is toast.  This adoption is so much bigger than us.  We have absolutely no control over a lot of it, but He does.  This amount of money that we need is so big that if God doesn't show up then it's toast.  

So how are we going to come up with that amount of money?
We have cut out a lot of "extras" in our budget.  Things like cable that were just "nice" to have, now that money is going straight to our adoption fund.  Every little bit counts, but at that rate, it'll take like 20 years to save that much money so I've also just recently become an Independent Designer with Origami Owl.    If you haven't heard of it, it's a new company (only 2 years old) where you design a necklace to tell your unique story.  Like these lockets below....

I love what this company stands for and am so excited to join them.  Every penny I make selling Origami Owl is going right into our adoption fund.  So how can you help?  Check out this awesome jewelry at my website: HERE.  Buy pretty things and help us bring our next child home!  You can order directly from there or if you want to host a party that would be super helpful as well.  That's not just limited to those who live close to us, if you want to host a party and live far away I'm more than happy to do a catalog party! And remember Mother's Day is just around the corner, and these lockets are perfect gifts for the mom's in our lives!  If you are interested in hosting a party email me at thelincbetweenus @ gmail . com.  

Also I added a "Donate" button to my sidebar.  If you feel led to help us reach our goal to bring home our son/daughter just click on it.  No amount is insignificant.  

We have no idea how long this road to our child will be (expecting a long one, since that tends to be the trend in adoption) but we are so excited to start it!  My heart already aches to hold him/her.  

and let our journey begin...

this journey is a journey of complete and utter faith that we are about to embark on.

a journey of so, so many unknowns.

a journey of no control on our part

a journey of complete control on God's part.
a journey that I'm sure will stretch us beyond what we thought capable.

a journey we are willing to take, to bring home our son/daughter.

...the journey to our next child!

this journey will look completely different this time around because this time I'm not pregnant.

say what?!

that's right, it's official....we are ecstatic to announce...

more posts to follow answering all the questions I'm sure you all are asking...
...from where? domestic or international?
...how much?
...why?

I couldn't sleep so I wrote a blog post

Tonight I'm staying up late writing this blog post because I'm too scared to go to sleep.  So with a sleeping 3 year old laying next to me on the couch (yes I was that scared, I wanted him to stay up with me for some company!) I will tell you about our night...

I will begin with telling you all about just how scared I am to stay home alone.  I'm fine during the day with the kids, I do that every single day and come on it's light out!  But I hate the evenings and night.  I don't sleep well.  I sleep with the bathroom light on and the hall light on.  I have to be facing the door (because if heaven forbid, I turn my back to the door, someone will come get me) and I just don't sleep well.  I'm tossing and turning (not really because remember I sleep facing the door) all night long, waking up multiple times during the night.

And another preface to our story:

There have been multiple break-ins happening in the town just north of us and even closer yet in the neighborhood right next to us and one of which happened to our friends.  All during the day and they just take all the valueables so no one has gotten hurt.  But all these houses have been close to a park so that the people can break in and then just run away into the park.  We live right next to a park.

So here is how my day went at 2:00pm

I'm rushing out the door to meet a friend.  I turn off all the lights but make a conscious decision to leave one light on in the kitchen because I won't be coming back home until after dark and I want a light on.  Ok decision made. done. flipped the light back on.  BUT I forgot to make sure all our doors were locked (that's important).  I get half way to where I'm going and realize I had forgotten the necklace I had made for my friend.  So we rushed back home, I came back into the house quickly, grabbed the necklace and we left.

Fast forward 6 hours.
I'm coming home from eating supper with a friend, it's 8:30ish pm.  I get the boys out of the car and we walk into the kitchen.  I flip on the light.

I flipped on the light.

wait.

I turned that light on when I left, why is it off?!

Quick scan of the kitchen reveals that I had left the back sliding door unlocked.

Freeze, panic, heart starts racing.  What do I do?!

I call Tyler (oh did I not mention, he's out of town and has been for a week).  Ask him what to do.
Follow his instructions to get the boys back in the van, park it out on the curb and call the police department.

So I call and five cars come including the k-9 unit.  Dang talk about being covered!
They clear the house and look around the outside of it and in the backyard.  Then they come out and ask me to do a walk through with them to see if anything is stolen because they are a little suspicious.  They ask me what "state" I left the house in.  AKA was it messy when you left.

****quick bunny trail here****
if you are my mom or sister right now you are shaking your head and laughing because you know exactly how this is going to turn out.
because they know how messy I am.  how messy my room was growing up.  yes I'm still messy like that but mainly in the parts of my house that only my family and I see like the bedrooms.....mainly Tyler and I's bedroom.

Ok back to the conversation with the police officer....
I'm thinking back to how the house looked when we left.  I was in a hurry so toys were still scattered everywhere downstairs, the kitchen was so-so (could've been a lot worse) but our bedrooms, OH our bedrooms were disasters.

I had just gotten something out of one of our safes and was in the hurry so I locked it back up and left it on the floor.  The safe that Tyler uses daily, the battery had died so he was going to replace it when he got home so to remind himself he had laid it on the floor.  And I had just done laundry, not put it away yet and had gotten dressed in a hurry that morning so I had thrown clothes on the floor looking for a shirt.  And I had just stripped the bed to wash all the bedding (in a lot of the break ins they have been taking the pillow cases off the pillows and putting all the valuables in them) So our bedroom really did look like there had been a robbery!

And the boys' rooms were messy too with clothes on the floor etc.  So I was embarrassed as I walked through the house with the police looking to make sure all our valuables were still there and telling them that this really is the way I left my house today......  They were all really nice and understanding saying, "I remember our house looking like this when we had kids" stuff like that.  If nothing else I appreciated them lying to me to make me feel a little less embarrassed.

So needless to say we are getting a security system put in and now I might be sold on getting a dog :)  A big dog of course.  a VERY big dog.

So if you are ever feeling bad about how messy your house is just think to yourself, Marie's house looked like a robbery had happened when she had police search her house and there hadn't been one!  Anything I can do to help all you guys' self esteems :)

Fear is something I've battled for a long time.  Fear of staying alone.  I just get so scared.  So it's taken a long time of shifting my fear to trust in God.  It takes lots of prayer and ultimately it comes down to trust.  Trusting God to take care of me and my family.  I can't live in a state of constant fear.  It's draining.  So it's a never ending journey of shifting from fear to trust.

fear.

"Fear.  It's part of human nature, but it's not something we got from God.  Second Timothy 1:7 says: 'For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind,'  When I imagine God creating each one of us and planting a purpose deep in our hearts, I never imagine that purpose being mediocrity.  While the Bible doesn't tell every person on earth specifically what his or her life's calling will be, it does include a lot of general direction:

'Your are to find me in the least of these.' Yes.
"You are to leave your earthly possessions and come follow me."  Yes.
"You are to love and serve the Lord God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself." Yes.
"You are to go and make disciples of all nations." Yes
"You are to entertain strangers and lepers and tax collectors." Yes.
"You are to show mercy." Yes.
"You are to live a life of mediocrity and abundance, holding one tight to your comfortable lifestyle, lest you lose it." NO.

I don't think so. 'Mediocrity and abundance' aren't there.  However, mediocrity and abundance, comfort and ease, do seem to be safe choices for many people, myself included.  In stark contrast, leaving our possessions, following Jesus when we don't have a well-defined plan, and entertaining strangers--well, that does sound a little scary.  But what if, just beyond that risk, just beyond the fear is a life better than anything we have ever imagined: life to the fullest."

-Katie Davis "Kisses From Katie" pg. 100-101

How often do I find myself in that state of fear.  I fear leaving my comfort zone and stepping out.  It's the fear of the unknown of what's out there waiting for me.  Just waiting for me to take that step out of my easy life.  The life of mediocrity and abundance is safe.  It's easy.  It's the nice way to coast through life.  Sure I can fill my life with "things."  Stuff our world says is important.  It's comfortable to fall into the groove of following what everyone is doing or "keeping up with the Jones'."  It's so easy to get sucked into that.

It's stepping out of that easy route and taking the narrow path that God has designed for those who love Him.

¹³ “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. ¹⁴ But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.
-Matthew 7:13-14

I get so wrapped up sometimes in trying to figure out my life and put all the puzzle pieces together myself that I completely shut God out.  It's like I think I don't need to bother him with the petty little details of my life.  So I'll just figure it out.  That's when I get sucked into the worldy things.  But what I don't know is that just beyond the fear of stepping out of my comfort zone, God is waiting for me.  Waiting for me to give it all to Him.  He has amazing stuff planned.  A life BETTER than anything I could plan for myself.  BETTER than all the stuff this world wants to clutter our lives with.  BETTER than mediocrity.  Life to the Fullest...

 "...I have come that they may have life,and have it to the full."

John 10:10

Caedmon's Birth Story {part 3}

Read Part 1 {here}

Part 2 {here}

4:00pm

My nurse came in a checked me and I was still only dilated to 2cm.  By this time the contractions were extremely painful and I wasn't getting much of a break in between them.  I was hesitant to ask for an epidural already so my nurse suggested getting Nubane.  I had never heard of it but I was willing to try anything at that point.  She said it would make me feel drunk and just take the edge off the contractions.  I wanted to stay in the rocking chair but as soon as I started feeling the Nubane working I needed to be laying down.  It did NOTHING for the pain and only made me extremely dizzy and nauseous.  As long as I kept my eyes closed, I was able to keep myself from throwing up so that's what I did.  I lasted on this for probably 20-30 minutes before I was eagerly asking for an epidural.  Thank you Dr. Samanich for saying it was ok to get it even though I was only at a 2.  I love you forever for that.

4:45pm (ish)

The anesthesiologist came in and got me prepped for the epidural.  I remember getting my spinal before my c-section with Lincoln and how that hardly hurt at all so I wasn't really nervous.  I just wanted them to hurry so I could relax a little.  FYI, having contractions while they are giving you an epidural and having to remain as still as possible is extremely hard to do!

After the epidural I started feeling relief all over my left side but only slightly on my right.  I was panicking that it wasn't going to go to both sides.  I changed positions a little and it eventually got numb on my right side.  HUGE sigh of relief.  Whew.  That was close!

After the epidural I was able to just lay back and enjoy the laboring process. (as much as one can!) I was a little surprised that an epidural doesn't make you completely numb.  Every couple contractions I could feel a little bit of them.  But if you ask me, epidurals are a very beautiful thing.  :)  Kudos to all you who can do this whole birth thing drug free, wow....how do you do it?!  

5:45pm

It was probably about an hour after I got the epidural that I started feeling pressure.  I told my nurse and the Dr. and they debated on whether or not to check me but in the end decided not to since my water was already broke and they didn't want to check me too many times for fear of introducing infection.  Plus I was only 2cm dilated an hour before so both saw the pressure as a good sign but didn't think it could've made me dilate too quickly.  

6:05pm

Tyler getting creative with the camera....I think he was getting a little stir crazy

He's thinking, "Let's get this show on the road!"  Little did he know...

Notice the time on the clock: 6:05pm

At this time I was still feeling lots of pressure but since the Dr. just said not too long ago that I probably hadn't progressed much and wasn't even worried about checking me, I told Tyler to go ahead and head down to the cafeteria to get something to eat.  He must've been starving, poor guy.  (said with lots of sarcasm, since I hadn't eaten anything since 8:00 the night before!)

At least he was nice enough to go outside the room to eat anything so I didn't have to sit there and watch him eat yummy food.

6:30pm

Tyler finally decided to take me up on my offer to let him go eat and went down to the cafeteria.

Literally minutes after he left I felt the urge to push.  I kid you not.  I frantically looked for my call button to get the nurse in there.  She rushed in and checked me and I was dilated to 10 and his head was right there.  She ran out of the room to tell someone to get Dr. Samanich ASAP and then came back in and hurriedly started getting the room ready for me to deliver.  My mom was in a taxi on her way from the airport to the hospital at this exact time as well and so Tyler had taken both our phones with him downstairs.  I was panicked and started repeating over and over again, "someone get my husband in here!" For some reason they aren't allowed to page over the intercom so another nurse came in and asked me what he looked like and what he was wearing.  Then off she went to get him.
I was using the room phone to try and get ahold of Tyler.  You have to dial 9 to get out and then the number and for some reason it wasn't going through and when it did go through I got someone else....twice.  The second time I accidentally called this random person I asked if tyler was there (thinking maybe he dropped one of our phones and someone else picked it up) and the guy was joking around saying things like, "no, but this is Tyler's friend."  I yelled at him that I was in labor and needed my husband and hung up.

While all this is going on, I'm having contractions and the urge to push is so strong.  The nurse told me I had to wait and that was probably the hardest thing to do at the moment.  I kept holding my breath and started shaking,  in order to not push and she kept telling me to breath deep breaths.  Then, what felt like an eternity later, Tyler finally came walking through the door on the phone with my mom telling her what was going on.  He literally walked in and the nurse told him to hurry over and grab one of my legs because I was ready to push.  I wish I could remember what his face looked like at that point :)

Probably scared out of his mind!

I pushed once before my Dr. got there.  He came in, I pushed two more times and sweet little Caedmon was born at 6:54pm on December 15th!  Tyler got to cut the cord and they layed him right on me.  It was the sweetest moment ever.  THAT'S what I've wanted for so long.  THAT'S what I feel like I missed out on with Lincoln.  Those precioius moments just after birth.  No one had to whisk him away to the NICU.  He was here and he was healthy.  

I relished in the moments after he was born.  Having him lay on my chest, I kept saying, "this is the best feeling in the world."  And I was SO excited that I had just had a vbac, I kept telling my Dr. "I didn't think it was actually going to happen!"  I think I was just a blubbering fool, saying all sorts of things but I didn't care.  I was overflowing with joy.  

It doesn't get much better than this.

Proud Daddy with Caedmon 

LOVE.

I told you my mom got there just in time. :)

I was healthy.

My baby was healthy.

That's all that mattered.  

God is so, so good.

Caedmon's Birth Story {part 2}

Read part 1 {Here}

7:30am

I was finally able to be wheeled out of triage and into my labor and delivery room.  The nurses were doing shift change so I had three different ones come in to do my check in papers.  I was asked if I wanted an epidural in case I did do a vbac and without hesitation I said, "yes!"  I know my body and the very low pain tolerance that I have and had no qualms with accepting something that made those contractions (once I started feeling them) go away.  So the anesthesiologist came in to tell me about what to expect.

After all that commotion we were left alone for quite awhile, while my contractions and Caedmon were being monitored.  We waited for my Dr. (who actually happened to be the one on call that day) to come in and talk to us.  A couple hours passed by with no change and I was SO bored.  I was on facebook actually chatting with another girl in my mom's group who was getting induced the same day just at a difference hospital.  It made me laugh that we were both having babies the same day and just messaging back and forth during labor :)

Good thing Tyler painted my toes for me a couple days before hand :)

11:00am

Since my contractions were regular, my Dr. just took his time coming to see us.  Which was fine but waiting around was killing me.  He came in and asked what I wanted to do.  If I wanted to just go ahead with a c-section or do something about getting my contractions going.  I asked what we could do and he said he could give me up to half the regular amount of pitocin.  This was news to me because I had thought all along that if you wanted to vbac that there was absolutely no type of induction.  The risk of uterine rupture without an induction is 1% and with an induction it increases to 1.5%.

This was so hard for me to make this decision because after just sitting in my labor and delivery room all morning with no change, I was leaning more towards a c-section because I didn't want to just sit around all day hoping for a vbac and ending up with a c-section anyways.  In a way I was ready to just give up. So I asked a very unfair question to my Dr. :)

"What would you advise your wife to do if she was in my situation?" tee hee

(thanks Megan for telling me to do that!)

He said, after a couple minutes of thought...."I would tell her we have a level 3 NICU and O.R. right

down the hall and to go for it."

It was all I needed to hear and I was given a new sense of "Ok, I can do this!"

12:00pm

They started me on pitocin and increased a little every half hour.  They only gave me half the normal amount and wouldn't go over that.  I could definitely tell it was working.  Those contractions started coming right away.  They were strong but I was able to relax and breathe inbetween them.  They were about 3-4 minutes apart for a couple hours.  I would doing "ok" with the pain.  My nurse checked me right when they started the pitocin and I was 1-2cm dilated.  So I was trying to make it as far as I could before asking for an epidural because I knew they are know to slow things down.

The best position for enduring those painful contractions was sitting up in a rocking chair and leaning over as far forward as I could, almost in a fetal position (as much as my bulging belly would allow :).  My nurse kept coming in wondering what I was doing during the contractions because they would keep losing Caedmon's heart rate when I would bend over like that.  She tried a few different things because they wanted to see how he was handling the contractions (he was doing great).  I tried to sit differently but nothing helped except to bend over.

Tyler was trying everything he could to help distract me and so he was looking for movies on TV and I'm crazy and wanted to watch the movie, "Knocked Up."  The nurses thought I was hilarious watching this movie about pregnancy and birth while I'm in labor.  I joked with them that I was gonna be in labor forever and Katherine Heigl's character was going to get pregnant, have her entire pregnancy and actually have her baby before me!  But the movie did help to distract me a little.  When that stopped working, Tyler when down to the gift shop and bought some cards so we could play a game.  Then he got up to my room again and we couldn't remember how to play a "slow two person game" since I couldn't move fast enough to play Slap Jack etc. :)

Caedmon's Birth Story {part 1}

*Disclosure* This is a BIRTH story so read at your own risk.  I'll keep certain details to myself but some of it might be TMI for some of you :)

December 14:

35 weeks....last belly picture!

For some reason I had been in sort of a panic mode with nesting and getting things ready for 

Caedmon's arrival.  Which was supposed to be in January.  I felt silly for being so paranoid about

getting everything done but at the same time felt a sense of urgency to get his nursery

painted, decorated, clothes washed etc.  

So Wednesday night I had Tyler helping me finish some projects I had planned for the nursery.

I was busy painting a "C" to hang in his room and making a couple pennants to hang above the "C."

Tyler was stapling chicken wire to an old frame that I had painted.  Pictures of all these

fun projects to come as soon as I get it all hung up in his room! :)

So we got all that done, folded tiny clothes, set up the crib and were exhausted. 

I went to bed with plans to take it easy the next day.

December 15th:

4:00am

Much like when my water broke with Lincoln it was early morning while I was sleeping. Although this time I didn't have a panic attack.  I was surprisingly calm.  I woke Tyler up and told him, "don't panic but I think my water just broke, I'm not for sure but just wanted to let you know."  Tyler isn't the panic-y type and so he just said, "oh, ok I'll just start packing a bag just in case."

It didn't seem like it was my water at first so I stayed awake for about a half hour trying to figure it out before a gush came at 4:30 and I knew for sure.  I packed my bag (because of course that was on the "to do" list and wasn't done yet).

We woke up a very sleepy Lincoln and packed a bag for him. While I was getting everything ready he followed me around in a confused state but was super sweet during those last minutes of just Tyler, him and I.  It was such a weird and surreal feeling, leaving the house that morning knowing that we were leaving as a family of 3 and would be coming back as a family of 4.

We called and texted family to let them know.  Funny thing is, my sister has been waiting and waiting for this call and I had called her the day before and "cried wolf" just for fun.  She wasn't very impressed with my humor.  Funny that it was the next day that I went into labor!

5:00am

We arrived at the hospital and were wheeled up to the labor and delivery floor. 

They had to check to make sure it was actually my water that broke and I didn't just pee my pants....trust me people from my last pregnancy I am an expert on knowing if it's my water or just peeing my pants! 

For those of you who don't know, once your water breaks, it keeps leaking....yeah it's so much fun to sit in that while waiting for triage to check you in and everything :)

They got me all hooked up to the monitors and the nurse checked me and to my disappointment I wasn't dilated at all. Nada, nothing, ziltch.  I was pretty disappointed.  My mind was all over the place not knowing what to expect or what was going to happen.  Was my body going to be able to vbac or was I headed for another c-section?

Just LOOK at that awesome blood pressure 122/80 :)

I kept praying that that I could vbac.  But in the back of my mind I totally doubted myself and that it would ever happen.  It was like this big dream of mine to do it but I had little faith in it actually happening.  Mostly so that I wasn't completely disappointed if/when it didn't happen.  I knew for my own sake I had to go into it with no expectations and to be flexible.  All I really cared about was having a healthy baby.  However that happened was going to be fine with me.  HOW I have him doesn't define me.

I apparently was having some sporadic contractions but wasn't feeling any of them.  Which meant that they probably weren't doing any good with helping me progress.

The nurse asked if I was wanting another c-section or do a trial of labor.  I told her I wanted to do a trial of labor and see what happened.  I could see it in her face as I said that, that she didn't think a trial of labor would amount to much with the random contractions I was having.  But I tried not to let that bother me.  I could just feel a sense of calmness surrounding me.  A peace I can't explain, that only God gives in moments like these.  

heartache.

i don't even know how to type this post. 

 i didn't even want to write it but telling people over my blog is much easier than in person.  

heartache.

that's what I feel.

for a one year old boy that we won't have the chance to bring into our family.

i don't understand it.

the system.

the timing.

why?

the aching and pain is exactly what I felt last november.

after my miscarriage. 

only worse because I've gotten to know this boy.

we've grown to love him and started to make a place for him in our family.

lincoln loves him and asks for him.

i know God has a special plan for him.

he's survived when everything was against him.

i just really wish that plan included us.

the why, is what gets me.

why would God basically put this boy in our path

just to take him away?

i completely trust Him and know He has good reason for everything.

maybe it was just to see if we would put our "yes" on the table and risk this heartache.

to see if we would be willing to follow his command to care for the fatherless.

but when there is such great need, why take away a perfectly good home for this boy?

someday we will understand but right now we trust through the storm.

i know you are are thinking, 

"well at least you still have your baby growing in your belly"

yes but that doesn't make this any easier.

he was already ours, in my heart.

yes this will make things easier on me to just have one more child right now instead of two.

but "easy" isn't what this life is all about.

it's about doing what God calls you to do, no matter the cost.

so that's where we are at right now.
sad, hurting. 

I will {NOT} smile while embracing the camera

I swear, the second I pull out the camera, this serious face comes out and it's stuck. Sometimes I'll get lucky by making goofy faces at him and he might crack for a split second but I've gotta have cheetah-like reflexes to catch it!

We've been doing a lot of praying lately about something and it's funny how God answers prayers....sometimes it's real subtle and sometimes it's right in your face.  We got it right in the face today....like "here, you guys, I'll make this plain as day and lay this right in your lap."  God's doing something here and it's exciting. 

And a question for all you readers out there.  I want a button for my blog.  Anyone know how to do that?  Could you teach me?  Or refer me to someone who can? 

Now head on over to Emily's blog to "Linc" up and embrace the camera, yourself!

a birth story.....20 months later

Every now and again, I'll stumble onto a blog post of a birth story.  I love reading them because they are all so different and unique to each person.  After reading one a couple weeks ago I thought about my birth story.  I realized I had never really written down the actual birth story of Lincoln.  I know there were posts to keep everyone updated on he and I's status during that rough time but nothing close to a "birth story."  I thought about it for a few days wondering if I should even attempt to write anything.  Mainly because it's not really something I care to remember a whole lot about and to be blatantly honest, I was disappointed.  I hate to say that because how can I complain and be disappointed about something that led to two miracles?  But I was. 

Well as almost all of you know, my water broke extremely early, at 24 weeks pregnant.  Thankfully I did not go in to labor and was put on strict bedrest in the hospital until I delivered.  Lots of tears, fear, and anxiety later it was 52 days after the fact and I was still in my hospital room on what had become a new "normal Sunday."  My sister Hope was with us for the summer so she was there, Tyler and the Neills had come over to keep me company and play games for the evening.  We had lots of fun and I was actually feeling pretty good that day. My blood pressure had been tipping the scales lately and so it was being closely monitored.  I could usually tell when my blood pressure was higher if I was feeling different and that night I just KNEW when they came in to take it that it was going to be closer to normal, because I felt really good!  Man, talk about not being able to read my body well.  It was my highest reading yet 180/119 (just for a benchmark, normal is around 120/80).  My nurse had me lay on my left side and took it again, no change.  She tried to hide the fact that she was seriously concerned and left the room to call my Dr.

31 weeks 

(this is as far as I could go, the door to my room. If I left the room it had to be in a wheel chair)

Wow my skin was so pasty white!  You can tell I hadn't seen the sun in 7 weeks!

At this point, I was 31 weeks 4 days pregnant and since I hadn't been having contractions and Lincoln was doing as good as they could tell inside me, I wasn't even thinking about his coming anytime soon.  It was around 8 or 9 that evening when my Dr. came into my room and announced that she knew when Lincoln's birth date was going to be.  Still a little confused, I asked "when?"  She said today.

I wish I could've seen myself in the mirror after she answered the question because I probably looked so surprised.  I kind of thought she was kidding around with me (remember I felt SO good!).  The first thing I told her was, I wasn't ready.  I didn't have any time to prepare myself mentally.  Ummm....hello Marie you just had 52 days in the hospital to mentally prepare yourself for this.  Kind of a "duh moment."  But this was for real. 

She said a few other things about what was going to happen next, I don't really remember, left and right after that the new nurse on night shift came in to start prepping me for the c-section.  I couldn't believe it that my nurse for the c-section was going to be a friend of ours from church.  She was on call that night and called in specially for the emergency c-section.  I remember her asking if this was going to be too weird for me since I knew her but I was strangely ok with it and actually it made me feel more at ease instead of weird.

We called our parents in Nebraska and a few close friends to tell them the change of plans.  Pretty sure my mom was in the car ready to head our way within 5 minutes!

Being as this was my first pregnancy, I had no idea what to expect with a c-section, let alone an emergency c-section with high blood pressure!  I had just eaten only a couple hours ago and so they wanted to wait as long as possible before starting the c-section for that reason.  They wheeled me to labor and delivery, I put on my lovely gown, got all the heart monitoring straps put on, an IV started and was told I was being put on Magnesium Sulfate.  I am so glad that I had no idea what Mag does to you because boy was I in for a long couple days!  The Mag was to help lower my blood pressure but it's side effects are absolutely horrible.  They told me it was probably going to make me sick, but I was about to meet my son, who cares if I get a little sick, right?! 

So here we were sitting and waiting.  I was so nervous.  I just kept telling myself, "so many women have c-sections and they are fine."  I had come to the realization that my ideal birth of having him naturally wasn't going to happen way back at 24 weeks when we learned Lincoln was breech.  I remember sitting there trying to soak in the last few minutes of being pregnant.  I loved being pregnant, even though my body apparently sucks at being pregnant. 

Well we weren't waiting there for very long as my Dr.'s had decided that it was too dangerous to wait any longer for my food to digest.  When blood pressure gets as high as mine was, they start to worry about it causing a stroke. (so glad they didn't tell me that)  I remember the spinal wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  It's such a strange feeling not being able to move your body.  They brought Tyler in and they started right away.  It wasn't long before Lincoln was born.  I was told not to expect to hear him cry because they feared his lungs were going to be too underdeveloped.  I heard him cry.  I  heard.....him....CRY!  They quickly showed me a quick peek of him before he was put directly into the incubator and whisked off to NICU.  He weighed in at a whopping 3lbs 6.8oz and was 15 3/4 in. long.

Lincoln, right after he was born and before he was hooked up to all his monitors and IV's

So now after a baby is born via c-section, what do they do?  They put you back together.  Well, all of a sudden, I felt like I was going to throw up and I told the anesthesiologist.  (He gave my doctor the look of, "I told you we should've waited until her food was digested), grabbed me a bowl and held my head while I threw up.  Weird thing was, I kept throwing up.  And throwing up, and throwing up.  I later learned that it was a relfex I apparently have to them trying to sew me back up.  Fun huh?  So they would start and then have to wait while I threw up and then have to start all over again.  Finally they saw that it wasn't going to stop so they had to just keep going while I kept, at this point, dry heaving.  (Sorry if you have a weak stomach, you probably shouldn't read any farther).  They finally got me put back together and got me to recovery.

I was told I would be in recovery for a couple hours and then on the way back to my room they would wheel me through the NICU to see Lincoln.  I'm still trying to process what just happened during the surgery and the fact that I'm now a mom, when I have this incredible pain right below my rib cage but above my stomach.  I mean excruciating pain.  I kept asking the nurses what was going on and they had no idea.  It felt like they were just writing it off.  I just remember not being able to get comfortable and not being able to move because I was still numb.  After this I can't really remember a whole lot.  (we found out later it was my liver that was hurting so much.  I had hellp syndrome and my liver enzymes were out of control, making my liver triple in size.)

In recovery, this was right before the liver pain started

Eventually they decided I could leave the recovery room, I remember waking up in the labor and delivery room and really believing that I was still pregnant and still in my original hospital room.  I didn't believe anyone when they told me Lincoln was already born, and then I threw up and fell back to sleep.  It was the mag that was making me hallucinate and throw up so much.  I remember the nurses bringing Lincoln out of the NICU to see me and for me to hold him for the first time (this is unheard of, for babies in the NICU but Lincoln was doing THAT well!)  I remember how much effort it took to sit up and hold him.  I remember having to hand him off to Tyler after only a couple minutes because I had to throw up again.  I remember feeling no connection to him.  I hate typing that because that just breaks my heart but I was on so many drugs to keep me alive, that I was in no way, shape or form in my right mind at that point. 

Me holding my precious Lincoln for the first time....I threw up right after this picture.

After that, I was throwing up so much that I wouldn't let someone take my bucket from me without giving me another one.  I remember throwing up on myself and not being able to move or do anything about it.  My nurses were amazing and changed my bedding and gown without getting me out of bed.

I got updates daily about my platelet levels, kidney levels and liver enzyme levels.  My blood pressure was being constantly monitored (which every time the cuff tighten I swore my hand was going to explode from all the swelling) They took 3+ vials of blood every 4 hours for 4 days to keep track of my numbers.  My arms were so bruised and swollen, it was hard getting harder and harder for them to find new places to poke me.

It got a lot worse than this but, you get the idea

Lincoln was born Monday morning at 12:56am and I didn't get out of bed until the following Friday.  A sweet nurse came and washed my hair for me one of the days (not sure which).  Slowly my numbers were turning the corner.  My first time to go see Lincoln in the NICU, the nurse went too fast pushing me in the wheelchair and I yelled at her to stop because I was going to get sick.  It was like my body had to relearn how to adjust to movement again. 

My first time to the NICU (2 1/2 days after Lincoln was born)

 First time to the NICU

All the while I desperately wanted to pump so my son had the best nutrition offered to him.  I got hardly anything.  I kept trying and kept trying, it took over 2 weeks for my milk to come in.  Slowly I regained strength.  All my muscle was gone.  I literally had to relearn how to walk.  I got good at walking behind my wheelchair down to the NICU to see Lincoln.  It was just down the hall and it took every ounce of energy I had.

I was released from the hospital a week after Lincoln was born.  I had to leave the hospital without my baby.  If our situation had been different, I would say how hard it would be to leave the hospital without your baby but I was prepared.  I knew since day 1 after my water broke that he would require a NICU stay so I had been able to mentally prepare myself for that.  Yes it was still sad but I was in no shape to be taking care of a newborn baby anyway so it was a blessing in disguise I guess.

The next 6 weeks my life revolved around getting my strength back and whenever my body was physically capable, being at the hospital with my baby.  Now, don't go thinking, "well at least you were able to get some good sleep and be well rested before Lincoln came home," nope.  I was up every 2-3 hours to pump in the middle of the night and throughout my day.  It was like I had a newborn but no baby.  It was really hard but so worth it.

So that's Lincoln's birth story.  I had to come to the conclusion that it DOESN'T define me.  My c-section doesn't define me.  The fact that I wasn't able to breastfeed my baby doesn't define me.  This has been a hard conclusion to reach but I've reached it.  For so long I felt worthless and that I let my baby down.  I had so many articles and research thrown in my face about how c-sections are bad and if you don't breastfeed your baby you are a horrible mother etc.  It was hard but it doesn't define me.  My worth is found in Christ alone, not how I birthed or fed my baby. 

This story is just a part of the bigger story of our lives.  He and I went through a lot but I learned so much through it and I've seen numerous ways how God has used it in my life. I am thankful, everyday. 

If you want to read more, here are some links:

What is HELLP?

Preeclampsia

quarter of a century

I celebrated my birthday on Saturday and turned the big 2-5!  My hubby spoiled me with these beautiful  flowers...

 followed by an oh so loving card, making fun of my name...

 thanks hunny, I 'preciate it.  Oh how he makes me laugh.  We laugh a lot about how people get my name wrong.  HELLO...isn't Marie one of THE most common middle names?!  But no, when it's used as a first name people get all uncomfortable and question how to pronounce it.  Murray is a loving nickname some like to call me....just to get me agitated.  Tyler made up for a not so romantic card by writing his own little sompin' sompin' on the side [sorry you don't get to see that part!]  :)

 Oh and he made up for it with this note as well!  [on the "name thing" at my massage they pronounced my name as Maurine] I just laughed and didn't correct them.  So for the whole massage, I was Maurine! ha!

Then after my massage I drove home quickly to showered and get all "beautified" for my hot date with the hubster.  I got ready in record time and was all excited, trying to tell myself that I wasn't getting sick.  I had looked forward to this night for a couple weeks now, and I wasn't going to be the one to ruin it.  I forced myself to finish getting dressed and got my coat on, all ready to go.......and I.felt.miserable.  I had chills so I knew I had to have a fever (later found out it was 102.6, yikes!)  So we called our awesome friends who had offered to babysit and told them we weren't going :( and I spent the remainder of the night curled up on the couch trying to warm up, I still had chills....no me gusta.  I feeling lots better today, thankfully!

So...onto a more serious note....

I was asked multiple times how I was feeling about turning 25 and if it makes me feel "old."  I honestly had to think about it for awhile because I hadn't given it much thought.  I just saw it as another birthday, no big deal.  So i thought about it for awhile and came up with the same conclusion.....no big deal.  Instead of being down about getting older, personally I'm celebrating it with a huge smile on my face.  Instead of complaining about being a quarter of a century old, I'm THANKFUL to be able to turn a another year older.  Thankful to God for sparing my life almost 2 years ago after giving birth to my beautiful boy (yes I just said my boy is beautiful). 

As I sit here typing this I am bundled up on the couch, looking like a train wreck.  I am reminded again just how fragile our health is (all I have is the flu, but still).  I am so bad at taking each day for granted but want to try even harder to welcome each day with thanks.  It is only by the grace of God that we are given each day.  It really puts things in perspective for me.  I get so easily wrapped up in things of everyday life that in the whole realm of it, things aren't so important.  I need to give attention to those things that are attention worthy and not worry so much about the trivial things.  I want an eternal perspective, all the time.  Not just every once in awhile but daily.  I struggle with this.  I struggle with wanting things. They are just that, things.  I recently read this post over at Building the Blocks

"Because the truth is, no matter who you are and how much money you have in your savings account or what plans you have put into place for your future- one thing you will never have control over in this life- is death.

You and I, we will die one day and there is nothing we can do to change or control that. Whether it be tomorrow in a car accident, 5 years from now from cancer or 15 years from now serving the Lord in a 3rd world country- when God says our time is over- it's over.

And one thing I can promise you is- I would WAY rather stand before the Lord broke, broken and exhausted from fighting the good fight- than stand before Him with my bank statement clutched tightly in the palm of my beautifully manicured hand."

Wow.  That one hit me hard.  As I type this with my overgrown manicured nails (I indulge and get this done once or twice a year and I try to let them grow for as long as I can so I can enjoy them as long as possible).  I don't think it's wrong to get things like that done, it just can NOT become my focus. 

"...when God says our time is over - it's over."  Obviously my time could've easily been over in that hospital room but God is not finished with me here on this earth. 

I continue to strive to live each day for Him.