Friday, September 16, 2011

heartache.

i don't even know how to type this post. 
 i didn't even want to write it but telling people over my blog is much easier than in person.  
heartache.
that's what I feel.
for a one year old boy that we won't have the chance to bring into our family.
i don't understand it.
the system.
the timing.
why?

the aching and pain is exactly what I felt last november.
after my miscarriage. 
only worse because I've gotten to know this boy.
we've grown to love him and started to make a place for him in our family.
lincoln loves him and asks for him.

i know God has a special plan for him.
he's survived when everything was against him.
i just really wish that plan included us.
the why, is what gets me.
why would God basically put this boy in our path
just to take him away?
i completely trust Him and know He has good reason for everything.
maybe it was just to see if we would put our "yes" on the table and risk this heartache.
to see if we would be willing to follow his command to care for the fatherless.
but when there is such great need, why take away a perfectly good home for this boy?
someday we will understand but right now we trust through the storm.

i know you are are thinking, 
"well at least you still have your baby growing in your belly"
yes but that doesn't make this any easier.
he was already ours, in my heart.
yes this will make things easier on me to just have one more child right now instead of two.
but "easy" isn't what this life is all about.
it's about doing what God calls you to do, no matter the cost.

so that's where we are at right now.
sad, hurting. 





13 comments:

  1. Marie- I don't even know what to say. I can't even begin to imagine what you are feeling right now. My heart goes out to you. You and Baby J are in our prayers. *hugs*

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  2. Marie, I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Praying for all of you.

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  3. I'm so sorry you are walking down such a difficult road. But I know you & your family will come out on the otherside brighter & stronger than before. You will be in my prayers. And most definately so will Baby J. That God's plan for him will provide him with the love & care he deserves. Stay ever strong.

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  4. Girl, I am so sorry to hear this news. I can't imagine how you must feel and my heart breaks for you. I don't have the words to say so I'll just let you know your family is in my prayers.

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  5. I am so sorry for your loss. Even though you are carrying a new baby into this world, it doesn't erase the pain for the child you hoped for. I wish you peace, healing and comfort in the days ahead.

    {found you through casey's blog, so glad I did}

    xoxo

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  6. I could tell that there was something special about you during our first conversation. After reading some of your blog, I feel like I already know so much of your heart! You are such a woman of strength and very obedient to God. Children have a special place in a mothers heart. I hope you find comfort in God's love for you as you go through this difficult time.

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  7. Shedding tears for you and Baby J. Keep holding onto God and know that he has a plan for your family and for J. Thanks for being so open in sharing your feelings and how you are handling this!

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  8. you know i'm praying, girl. this kind of grief is SO multi-faceted, isn't it? it's not just the sadness of almost adding another child, then having that not be so. it's so confusing and not just one "why" (of why you lost this hoped-for child) with adoption. . . there are a million "whys" in a situation like this because so much is at stake--the system, baby J, your family, Lincoln, foster care in general, hurting children in general, and on and on.

    praying, praying, praying!!!

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  9. Marie, what ever the circumstance is with this sweet baby, I'm praying for comfort<3

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  10. I just found your blog and read your adoption timeline. So sorry to hear this little baby J won't be yours. It's hard to understand why sometimes isn't it?

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  11. I am so sorry! Sometimes I just don't understand the plan...I know that God is still God and He is still good...in every situation. Praying for you and your precious family!

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  12. Hey Marie,

    I am just catching up on my blog-reading. I am so sorry. I was so hoping. . .I'll continue to pray for you guys as you work this all out in your hearts. HUGS!

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