Sunday, January 16, 2011

Being Thankful for everything.... really?

This past September, Tyler and I were super excited to find out we were expecting again. We both want our kids to be close in age and my due date was June 11, 2011, which seemed perfect, just under 2 years apart.  (Yes I was scared just the fact of being pregnant again but that's another post for another time). I was so, so sick and tired from the beginning.  I actually knew I was pregnant quite awhile before I took a test just because of how sick I was right away.  Even though I was exhausted 24/7 and having to eat every hour in order to keep myself from throwing up I tried really hard not to complain because I knew that the presence of those symptoms was good, meaning that the pregnancy hormone levels are there and increasing and that's what was making me sick.

We were waiting to tell our families until after my first appointment at 8 weeks.  So the plan was set, we had the appointment on a Friday and decided we would skype with our families that weekend.  For some reason I was cautiously excited.  I still had all my symptoms but I just had a feeling that something wasn't right.  Even as we were sitting in the exam room and the nurse was asking me questions and telling me what to expect, planning future visits etc., all I could think of was, "let's just wait to talk about all that until after I've had an ultrasound and can be reassured by hearing the heartbeat."

With Lincoln I never had an 8 week ultrasound, our first one wasn't until 16 weeks so I didn't know what to be looking for on the screen.  My doctor became really quiet and when she did finally say something, all she said was that she wasn't able to see a heartbeat but she was sending me to the other side of the office where the ultrasound machines were clearer to get a better picture to see if they could see it.

I was already fighting back the tears because I knew that at this point they should be able to find a heartbeat.  The next Doctor that read our ultrasound came back and told us that he couldn't tell if my dates were just off or if it was indeed a miscarriage and to come back in two weeks to do a repeat ultrasound to see for sure. To make matters worse, we couldn't just leave after the ultrasound, I had to go downstairs to get bloodwork done, just as a precation because of the pre e and hellp I had with my last pregnancy, not at all related to my hormone levels or the possibility of a miscarriage. 

The next two weeks were two of the longest weeks of my life.  Here I was clinging to the hope that my dates were wrong, but knowing deep down that they weren't.  Struggling with the fact that I'm losing this baby and trying to stay positive...just in case.  Throughout this time we did let our families and a few close friends so they could be praying.  As we told our parents it was a, "We're pregnant but....." 


During those two horrible weeks I started to lose my pregnancy symptoms.  I would just cry because that definite confirmation that this was indeed a miscarriage.  Going to the ultrasound that day I just felt numb.  I knew what they were going to tell me, I knew what was happening and I was so tired of crying, I was just numb.

Thankfully my doctor didn't recommend a d&c and let my body run it's course.  It took another week, by this time I was technically 11 weeks along, and I'll spare you the details but after a trip to the ER and a couple days to recover, my body had passed our baby.


I heard a lady talking on the radio the other day and she said something that I already knew, but really needed to be reminded of.  She said, "everything that happens to us has already passed through the hands of God."  Hearing that again really made me feel so comforted.  Obviously it's not a surprise to Him and He allowed it to happen us.  I need to view this miscarriage with that in mind and know there is a reason why it happened.  I may not know that reason this side of heaven but for some reason He decided to spare our little son/daughter from the hurt and pain of this world and took him/her straight up to Him.  I can't wait to love on our little one some day!

I was really challenged by my friend, Julie's, post about her miscarriage and how she was able to finally come to the point of being thankful in everything, even death. I want to have that eternal perspective and being thankful for God's plan.  Thankful for everything.

This sounds so horrible to type but...... "Thank you, Lord, for taking my baby."  I trust that your plan is bigger than my plan and Your ways, higher than mine.  I know that this life is hard and there will continue to be trials but I'm standing on your promises.

You have to go read the blog titled, "Bring the Rain, the story of Audrey Caroline."  I want the heart and perspective that this woman has.  I want to be strong like her in horrible circumstances.  This part stood out to me the most.  When asked what she was thinking after a sonogram revealed her unborn daughter, at 20 weeks pregnant, had life threatening conditions she replied, "I think that my Jesus is the same as He was before I walked into this room.  He is no different" Wow.  I want to get to the point where that is my FIRST response.

Her blog is based on this song by "Mercy Me" and it was exactly what I needed tonight.

"Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings your glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain"

Mercy Me, "Bring the Rain"

5 comments:

  1. I love you, Marie. I have prayed for you and often wondered how you were doing. I don't like remembering that time in my life, but I love your statement of "I trust that your plan is bigger than my plan and Your ways, higher than mine. I know that this life is hard and there will continue to be trials but I'm standing on your promises." It's true. God uses suffering. Your testimony will encourage others. Thank you for sharing the depths of your heart.

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  2. You are one strong mama! You are an inspiration! Love your honesty. Thank you for sharing.

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  3. I can't imagine how you are feeling right now. I love your ability to stay positive and always remember that God's plans are bigger than our own. Your story will no doubt someday help someone else in the same situation.
    Our prayers are with you.

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  4. Thanks for sharing this, Marie! Indeed, our world doesn't spare us from hurt and pain, and I pray for your continued recovery and peace. I love you!

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