Tuesday, August 2, 2011

expectations

pregnancy edition

It's so funny how I'm viewing this pregnancy differently than when I was pregnant with Lincoln.  When I was pregnant with Lincoln (before 24 weeks) everything was picture perfect.  I went for monthly doctor visits, we had our sonogram and found out it was a boy, I felt FABULOUS, I was so excited about my growing belly, my doctor even told me at my last "normal" visit (day before my water broke) that I was a boring patient.  Ummmm hello doc you just totally jinxed me! 

23 weeks preggo with Lincoln

And so far, even though this pregnancy has been different, symptoms-wise, and we had some worries early on but right now (in the weeks between 10-20) everything seems to be going just like it did last time.  And since last time was perfect until 24 weeks I've been able to stay calm and worry less about the here and now.  Things seem to be going well and so I'm just going with the flow.  What I'm worried about though is that 24 week mark.  I feel like I'm going to be so paranoid about my water breaking every second of the day from the day I turn 24 weeks, until I deliver.  I'm praying that that isn't the case and that God would keep my heart calm through it all.  But it's funny how expectations are. 

With Lincoln's pregnancy I had all sorts of expectations and because of those expectations I was broken.  I wanted it all to look a certain way and to experience certain parts of pregnancy that I feel were ripped away from me.  And it's taken time but I've gotten over those things.  But this time around I am so goal oriented with making it to certain weeks.  24, then 28, then 32, then 34 and who knows, maybe even 40!  But my expectations are so much lower of this pregnancy and I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I think it's just my way of guarding my own heart.  Tyler has always said, "low expectations lead to few disappointments" which is so true but I feel like it's such a pessimistic way to look at life.  So I go back and forth on whether I should have higher expectations or "hope" that things will go alright. 

7th week in the hospital 31 weeks (Lincoln was born 5 days later)


My expectations for how I give birth to the baby have gone out the window and I'm ok if I have to have another c-section.  Things like that.  If I have another preemie who can't breastfeed then that's just the way it's going to have to be and I'm ok with that.  Because I just can't have all these expectations like I did with Lincoln and then be so disappointed when they aren't met (ex. c-normal birth and breastfeeding).  Those were two big expectations for me. 

But this time I'm taking everything in stride.  One day at a time.  My only expectations this time around are a healthy baby and healthy mommy.  Everything else is so trivial it seems.  There are people who will make you feel like dirt if you don't breastfeed your baby (but what they don't know is what your baby has gone through and how hard you've tried) and there are people who will make you feel like less of a mother because you had a c-section (which happened to save both mine and Lincoln's life).  I say, from experience, that the ONLY things that matter when it comes down to it is that mom and baby are both alive and healthy.  period.  So this time around, those are my only expectations.  

Lincoln at 16 weeks



7 comments:

  1. Another way of looking at it would be instead of thinking you are being pessimistic is to think of it as being thankful for the simple things, which I think is a great place to be!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Aww I think you are a terrific mom and who really cares about breastfeeding or c-sections or bottles or natural. Whatever...I mean its not even conversation after the 1st year! You raised an awesome little boy and that will be a conversation for a lifetime!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Megan said it so well! Anyone who knows you can be confident that you don't make any decision about Lincoln or this little one lightly. And look how amazingly well Lincoln is doing today! You had absolutely no control about how anything would turn out with Lincoln and I think you're being totally realistic to let go of those expectations for this pregnancy as well. I am rejoicing with you at every tiny milestone with this pregnancy and am confident that God is in control of it ALL, no matter what happens!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Beautifully put, Marie. Breastfeeding isn't what makes you a great mom. I have a relative that makes me feel bad for supplamenting, not using cloth diapers, using a stroller... the list really goes on, but none of those things have anything to do with what kind of a mommy I am when I'm with my boys. All you can do is be what your babies need. You're doing an amazing job!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I read this today & though its a bit random, it made me think of your post.

    "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." — Albert Einstein

    In life I am learning its not about expectations at all. Meeting them, not meeting them. Really its more about not having them. Its all about the journey. Realizing that every step & every day is a miracle. And {trying to} live life to such full enjoyment that you see the beauty of every moment's miracle. Whether its a miracle you "expected" or not. The only "expectation" we need to have (as you well know) is to expect that God's love will prevail. Expect that whatever our journey leads us there, God's plan is perfect. And expect that however we journey along the path, He will journey beside us.

    ReplyDelete
  6. In a way you have a grieve your expectations... which is really what you've done. I knew I would always have a C-section this time around, but my biggest expectation was to be able to hold my baby shortly after birth and take her home with me when I leave the hospital. I know now that there is very little chance of that happening... I have grieved it, and I am more at peace with it now. I think allowed myself to feel as if it was not fair, and go through that process has really helped me.

    I hope that not only are the simple things met, but some much larger than you think as well! Prayers for you my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  7. So happy you found my blog! I can't wait to follow your journey. Even though our pregnancies are different in number of kiddos at one time, it is so nice to see your success story with your little guy! Best wishes with this pregnancy! I will be thinking about you! :)

    ReplyDelete