The whole process of adoption and then getting licensed in foster care has been a continual marathon of "hurry up" and "wait." Hurry, hurry, hurry get all that paperwork filled out, notarized, signed, and turned back in, hurry and get all your inspections scheduled and done, hurry and get your classes done. And now wait for your paperwork to get processed, your inspections to be approved and for your license to come in the mail. So now we are back in the waiting game. We have been licensed for 3 weeks now and I'm in such a weird phase of mixed emotions. We have been told all along that there is a huge need for us and the age range we specified so I was prepared to get a call within the first week. That obviously hasn't happened and it's weird. I'm so anxious to get a call that I want it to happen soon BUT the truth remains that if we get a call that means something bad has happened. Something REALLY bad has happened to this sweet, little child who didn't ask for this. He/She will be coming to us because the world is broken, THEIR world is broken. So I'm stuck in this strange place of emotions. I'm not sure how to feel. We want to add to our family because we know it's not complete yet but adding to our family through foster care comes only because something has been broken. There is hurt and pain involved with adoption of any kind. So we are hear and waiting. To be ready if/when we are needed to care for a child who has been hurt. Unfortunately it's going to happen, a child will be traumatized or neglected and we have been on our knees praying for that child. That whatever is happening to them at this very second, that God would protect them like only He can. So we wait. We pray. And I never let my phone out of my sight or put it on silent! :)
So while I wait to meet you here is a letter I've written to you...
Dear little one(s),
I can't stop thinking about you. Who you are, what you look like, how old you are, what you are doing at this moment. Are you 2, 6 months, a newborn or still in your moms womb? Are you hearing or seeing things that make you scared? Is a chaotic, scary world all you know so far in your life? I want so badly for you to know that you are already loved by us.
I'm constantly thinking about how our lives will change once we meet you. When will the call come? What will I be doing? You might be scared of this new place and these strange new people. We are not scary people and you will soon learn that. You'll have three protective big brothers who are SO excited to meet you. They will all fight over who gets to hold you first (even if you are 2, they are going to want to try and hold you) :) Our routines will change to add you in and I think often about how I will probably be up a lot at night with you and how more coffee will become part of my life. I've prepared a beautiful room just for you. This might be the first time you have your own room and I've tried very hard to make it special just for you.
Ours lives will soon be intertwined. We will learn all sorts of things about each other. I will learn your favorite toys, your favorite foods etc and you will learn things about me like how I use a soft, soothing voice when you are crying, how I will hold you tight and rock you and hopefully you will learn to trust me as a safe person who really loves you and will care for you like you need.
Maybe we will be together for a lifetime or maybe for just a season but I'm so excited to meet you.