heartache.

i don't even know how to type this post. 

 i didn't even want to write it but telling people over my blog is much easier than in person.  

heartache.

that's what I feel.

for a one year old boy that we won't have the chance to bring into our family.

i don't understand it.

the system.

the timing.

why?

the aching and pain is exactly what I felt last november.

after my miscarriage. 

only worse because I've gotten to know this boy.

we've grown to love him and started to make a place for him in our family.

lincoln loves him and asks for him.

i know God has a special plan for him.

he's survived when everything was against him.

i just really wish that plan included us.

the why, is what gets me.

why would God basically put this boy in our path

just to take him away?

i completely trust Him and know He has good reason for everything.

maybe it was just to see if we would put our "yes" on the table and risk this heartache.

to see if we would be willing to follow his command to care for the fatherless.

but when there is such great need, why take away a perfectly good home for this boy?

someday we will understand but right now we trust through the storm.

i know you are are thinking, 

"well at least you still have your baby growing in your belly"

yes but that doesn't make this any easier.

he was already ours, in my heart.

yes this will make things easier on me to just have one more child right now instead of two.

but "easy" isn't what this life is all about.

it's about doing what God calls you to do, no matter the cost.

so that's where we are at right now.
sad, hurting.