Keeping my eyes above the waves, holding a baby that belongs to Him and not me...

It's Sunday morning and we had a sick 5 year old last night so he, baby M and I are all taking it easy at home, vegging out on the couch while Tyler took the other two with him to church.  So I have an unexpected free morning and thought I'd write out how I've been feeling about our foster care journey lately.  

When we started the adoption/foster care journey our prayer was "Spirit lead us where our trust is without borders, let us walk upon the waters, where ever you call us."

We brought baby M home from the NICU when he was 12 days old.  We are the only family he's known.  He has molded seamlessly into our family and I can't picture our lives without him.  But soon that might be the case.  He has a distant relative that has expressed interest in raising him.  Her home study starts this coming Friday.  If she passes, it will move fairly quickly.  But I'm not convinced that she is capable of caring for him or really the best fit for him.  I'm very supportive of reuniting with family when possible but in this case I just can't get fully on board.  

But as hard as this whole situation is, I am so thankful that I can't control any of it.  

Wait, is that a typo?  Did she really just say that she's glad she can't control where baby M ends up?  

It's not a typo.  I'm so thankful that it's not up to me to decide where his future will be.  I have come to realize that I "like" the situations that God has put us in, where we have zero control.  Why?  Because it FORCES me to trust.  If I had control over the situation I wouldn't need to rely on God, because I would THINK I know the best answer and rely on my own opinion on it.  But because I can't see the future, I can't see or know for sure what this relative is like and capable of.  She might be the best thing for him and I just can't see it right now.  But God knows.  His sovereign hand will be the guide.  He's guiding the home study assessor and has the power to interfere and make sure baby M doesn't go with this relative IF this is a bad placement for him.  OR he will allow her to pass and give her legal custody of baby M.  God has never failed and He won't start now.  In both cases I have full trust that God's hands are all over this and my soul rests in His embrace.  

But I'm broken.  My heart is shredded every morning by that adorable giggle when I sing a good morning song to him.  He's leading me out into the deep waters where without him, we would drown.  He's knocking down the borders of my trust.  Stretching us to trust him more and more. 

So I will call upon Your name.  I'm praying over this sweet life.  That God's will would be done.  My eyes are locked on Jesus and not the waves that are growing higher and higher.  I'm trusting Him to walk us through these scary waves, while holding a baby that belongs to Him and not me.  Jesus' love for baby M is infinitely more than I could even imagine, so my fear is replaced with Trust.  

I had been thinking about trusting God fully in our circumstances and I was driving (to pick up chick-fil-a for supper!) by myself last night and when this song came on I realized just how perfect it explained what I was feeling and thinking about M's situation.  I highlighted the lyrics above where they were applicable but read the whole song here:

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

Hillsong United

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior.

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine